Kaleidoscope
by Lordy Duffano
Summary: Sue spoof. Might as well put it out there. A single character will be almost every Sue flavor heretofor seen by man. Or she's displaying Schizophrenic tendencies. It's a toss up. Don't worry, canon characters retain most of their sanity and hate her.
1. Time Travelling Sue

A/N: Lordy Duffano strikes once more. This time, with the help of a trusty sidekick: ABBALINA! From across many geographical regions and climatic discrepancies, we shall join forces and bring you the most shameless Mary Sue spoof yet. At least for Pirates of the Caribbean.

Disclaimer: BOO! You know what goes here. We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp (which may explain why Abbalina has random fits of hysteria), and all that good stuff. Thank you and good night. GOOD NIGHT and good luck. Damn. Don't own that either. CURSE YOU GEORGE CLOONEY!

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Hello. My name is Pynelopie Odette Tapioka Chastity-erson and I have an amazing, unbelievable, beyond belief, implausible, inconceivably awesome story that I will tell you. But first a little about me.

I have beautiful, perfectly straight sand dune blonde hair that flows straightly down to my lovely, _lovely_ arse. My eyes are like sapphires as shifting as the ocean spray.

Speaking of the ocean. My dearest dream is to sail on the ocean and be a pirate…ess… piratess… yes. That's it. My dearest dream is to sail on the ocean and be a piratess. Yay me!11!one!one!eleven!exclamationpoint! But sadly my parents died in a horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident that I miraculously escaped from unscathed. Except for the scar in the shape of a 'P' on my arm. We still don't really know how I got it, but it's something to do with the horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident and a piece of white-hot metal that was inexplicably in the shape of a 'P'.

Anywayz. I was sent to live with my Aunt Avarice and Uncle Pride (pronounced Prithee) and they abused me, squandering my parents' fortune among other horrendous and painful things. One night my homies sneaked me out (because my aunt and uncle were too mean and locked me in the pantry) and took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean. I fell in lurve. I lurved the movie. And I lurved Jack Sparrow because Johnny Depp is the hawtness. Will Turner wasn't bad either, but I like Orli better as a blonde. Like me! Teehee.

Anywayz. My homies sneaked me out to Hott Topic and that is where our story beginz.

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**

The people who work at Hott Topic kinda scare me, but they had a whole Pirates of the Caribbean section! I was soo excited, I put up with the scary tattoo girl working there. My homies are awesome and helped me buy some awesome PotC stuff, like a pink Jack Sparrow t-shirt, Will Turner button, Jack Sparrow notebook, and even Will Turner incense! I bet it smells like Will! Zomg lolz. My emo homie Raven even bought it for me because scary tattoo girl was, like, glaring at me. I bet she was jealous of my beautifully straightly sand dune hair.

I was hanging out at my BFFL (best friend for life, duh!) Morganne's house because why would I want to go back to the pantry? Aunt Avarice keeps things past their expiration date!

We decided to burn the Will Turner incense because I knew I would never get away with that in the pantry, and Morganne has nice parents that are alive. God, I'm getting, like, soo sad just thinking about the horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident.

Anywayz, I changed into my pink Jack Sparrow t-shirt and we lit the incense, but then the world went pitch black! I was soo scared.

**

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**

I woke to the smell of yucky things and the feel of someone slapping me! ON THE FACE! I bolted and sat straight up to confront whoever dared to touch me! ON THE FACE!

I began to blink. This was impossible! It couldn't be happening! It was too unrealistic! It was absolutely, totally, completely inconceivably IMPOSSIBLE! I was blinking over and over again, because Mr. Gibbs stood in front of me!

"Yer sleepin' in me pig pen," he said. I was like, "I'm sorry!" and then I looked around and jumped up, screaming "eeww!" because it was dis-gush-ting.

"Her too," Gibbs said, pointing at Morganne. Ohmygod! Morganne was here too! Maybe it was a dream, because there was no way I could really be on…

_**TORTUGA!**_

"Morganne! Morganne! Ohmygah! You'll never guess where we are!" I shrieked.

"…ew, pigs. Um, are we, like, in Texas?" Morganne asked. (A/N: Apologies to Texans.) I sighed. Morganne can be a little slow sometimes, but I still luv her foreva!

"No, Morganne! We're on…

**_TORTUGA!_**"

"OHMYGAH! NO WAI! We can't really be on

_**TORTUGA?"**_

Morganne said, getting up excitedly. I nodded and we wandered off, hopefully to find none other than Jack Sparrow and Will Turner. Morganne and I agreed that she could have Will, but Jack was all mine! He would tremble before my astounding beauty, I just knew it, and even Jack would be sad to hear of the horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident I miraculously survived.

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A/N: Pynelopie is sadly mistaken. Jack and all other canon characters will remain true to … well, canon. And despise her. Like us, even though she's our character. Hmm. At least, they'll remain as true to canon as we can make them. Please allow for some OOC moments. Thank you for your understanding. And again, apologies to Texans. If we're going overboard, don't hesitate to tell us.

Nicely. Abbalina has a fragile ego. No, seriously. Stephano smashed it the other day – we had to put her in the corner.


	2. Fighter Sue

A/N: Don't expect to be able to fit this story in anywhere in particular (i.e., before/after/during either of the movies). It takes place when the characters are on holiday. Or something… yeah. A holiday from pirating, except, of course, they'll still be … pirates. Er, we're going to start writing the story now. Yeah.

Disclaimer: Same as before: Abbalina is hysterical because we don't own Johnny Depp, Lordy Duffano is hysterical because we don't own Jack Davenport, and George Clooney still sucks.

Chapter Two: In which your basic time-traveling Sue morphs into… some other kind of Sue. Fighter Sue! Huzzah!

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Okay, so, RECAP! Omg lol! So, like, Morganne and I were on

_**TORTUGA!**_

and we were looking for Jack and Will! Those hottttttties! OMG LOLZ! Anywayz, I had a stroke of brilliance.

"Morganne! We should go to the tavern!" I exclaimed at Morganne.

"Wow, Pynelopie, you are soo smart," Morganne said. "But, um, like, which way is the tavern?"

"Morganne," I smirked omsinis- omnipote- um, um… all-knowingly. "It's the one with the gross drunk dudes fighting."

"You're the smart one!" Morganne giggled, and we skipped over to the tavern, which was conveniently right across the street.

We arrived and I wrinkled my nose. It smelled gross! Morganne covered her nose with her elbow and said, "I'll get a table," she offered.

"I'll go get us some rum."

"But what if it's gone?" Morganne said. I laughed, but she looked at me blankly. I sighed and went to the bar.

"A rum," I said, glaring at the wench behind the bar. She seemed to sense the wrath in my steely grey eyes and quickly got my drink. I was about to pay for it when another hand appeared in my sight, working a coin through his fingers.

"My treat," someone smirked behind me. I turned to face him, my flowing chestnut locks whipping with the speed of my movement.

"I can pay for my own drink, thank you very much," I glared at him with smoky chocolate-brown eyes.

"Well, by the looks of what you're wearing I figured you wanted me to come over here," he said, staring pointedly at my chest. But I ignored him, finally taking notice of my clothing. What WAS I wearing? Strange pants, and a vile pink shirt with this man's face on it.

"Oy! You there!" I called to the nearest pirate who seemed to be about my size.

"Eh?" he said, turning his head to look at me. I punched him squarely across the face. He struggled to reach for his pistol but I kicked it out of the way, jumping onto a nearby table. He scrambled up to face me, and I hit him again. His arms flailed wildly around, searching to make contact with something, but I pushed him into the wall. Slumping against the wall, I deemed him unconscious, and dragged him outside, hoping his clothes would suit me.

When I reentered, this time properly dressed, the man who had attempted to pay for my rum (which I sorrowfully realized I hadn't gotten a chance to drink) was still there.

"_What_ do you _want_?" I asked him.

"Who said I want anything from you?" he replied. "You're the one that came prancing up to me, asking questions."

"Earlier, you… oh, bugger," I said, making my way back to the bar. Or, I was about to make my way back to the bar, but I heard my name in the distance.

"Pynelopie! Pynelopie Chastity-erson? Pynelopie Odette Tapioka Chastity-erson!" a distant voice shouted from a distance-y distance.

"_What do you people want from me_?" I yelled, kicking a chair over out of frustration. The scoundrels who had been sitting at that very table scooted their own chairs away nervously.

A rather plain-looking girl with mousy brown hair skipped into the tavern, calling my name. "Pynelopie! Like, oh my god, there you are! Did you like, find Johnny and Orli?"

"I don't know what the hell you're talking about," I said sullenly, desperately wishing for a drink.

"We're on

_**TORTUGA!**_

Remember? And we were looking for Captain Jack Sparrow and Will … " this girl continued. "Pynelopie? Oh, stop it, it's me! Your BFFL! Morganne!" I looked at her blankly. "Seriously, Pennie, this isn't funny."

"What. Did. You. Call. Me?" I asked through clenched teeth.

"Um, I called you, Pennie?" she said stupidly.

I pulled a dagger out and touched its point to her throat. "If you're not going to call me by my name, then for the love of God, DON'T call me Pennie. Call me as I am more commonly known – the Crimson Dagger." I snatched the dagger away from her throat, threw it in the air, and caught it, balancing it by the tip of my index finger, its crimson blade glinting, even in the dim tavern lights. The tavern was suspiciously silent. Had they not heard of me? Me, the Crimson Dagger? Or perhaps they were struck silent in fearsome awe, awesome fear, some awe fear… yes, that had to be it.

"Pynelopie, I thought we were like sisters! How come you're waving a weird red knife aro – "

The Morganne girl slumped to the ground, and I tucked my pistol away.

"That girl you just killed suggested you were looking for me," that voice said, behind my ear. "Why?"

"I'm not," I said, whipping around to face him. "And if you think I want anything to do with you, mister, then you are sadly mistaken!"

He shrugged and took a sip of his rum.

"Fine… fine. If only you'll leave me alone, I'll join your crew. But just so you'll stop bothering me, do you understand? And I'll be a member of crew, not a … cabin wench," I snapped icily, then turned on my heel and marched out of the tavern.

That is how I found myself a crew member of the Black Pearl, and an… acquaintance of Jack Sparrow. I sulked around Tortuga looking for a room for the night.

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NEXT CHAPTER: Streetwalking Sue! Yay!

Important A/N that should really come sooner: We're completely ripping the Sue flavors off a wonderful fic by psychotic kitten. What? It's not FanFic if there's no plagiarism involved…


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